A new year, a new beginning. New resolutions. New Goals. New You.
Common sayings that are well used when you ring in the New Year.
I entered the new year with a positive attitude and outlook. I entered it with the thought that nothing could tear me down. After the year I had, nothing could really beat that.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am happy as I could ever be but in my life but when it rains it pours, and sure enough it poured the moment the year got rung in.
It was the little things that built up to created an avalanche.
First, I came to the realization it will be the 5 year anniversary of my Grandmothers death this year. She was the closest thing to me. Her death was the most dramatizing thing ever, especially since as a 15-year-old I watched it happened before my eyes. I will never forget after she passed standing in the room next to her body and just asking myself why the universe could take away the one person who demonstrated her belief in me. The one person who help raised me and made sure that I never let go of what my dreams were. She is the one who instilled I needed to believe in myself before anything else. A reason why Dream became my favorite word and my first tattoo. Everyday I wish she was a phone call away but I know she is my angel above me but it doesn’t make it easier as each year the anniversary of her death comes around.
Second, family has always been a stressors. And the start of year was nothing different. Everyone has there problems in their families but it seems like in mine it constantly seems to be present and they continually show up in some form. Between money or family ties. It always seems to come back and nothing can be perfect but sometimes I wish all of that could be set aside to just enjoy what family is there for. For support and love.
Thirdly, my love life. I generally stray away from feelings or at least to always try to because I have never had the best luck in that department and I always seem to get hurt in someway or another. I sometimes slip out of my typical pattern and am comforted with choices I would rather not have to make, which is back away early before I get hurt like I have been before, which is exactly what I had to do. I have a huge fear of feeling it once again and therefore have a common tendency to walk away.
Fourthly, money has always been on my mind. It’s what I was born and raised around and between both my parents I have seen every aspect of money. As the semester begins, I start thinking about the text books I have to buy and the sorority fees that I have to soon pay. I start getting anxious because I have to make my ends meet. It’s a slow month for retail and therefore I am also not getting the hours, which means I am not getting the means. These are my responsibilities I have to pay for and I can’t help but get anxious at the thought of it all coming at me at once.
As I reflect upon everything, I just can’t help but think why this was created for me. It’s a feeling you just want to crawl in bed and breakdown. You feel you’re at your lowest and just are waiting for the next thing to happen to pile onto the pile. You feel lost and alone. You are confused with what the universe wants out of you, and just want it all to be done and over with. You look at others to help aid for support and you look to activities to help ease the pain.
With that as I reflect upon it all, I have created my new years resolution for this year. It’s to connect spiritually with my self. To become one with the universe and my soul. To understand a little bit more of why I am on this earth and to understand more as to why the universe has put these obstacles in my life. It’s something that isn’t easy. One just wants to believe that the world just hates them for everything but I refuse to look at it that way. I am only 19 (about to turn 20) and I have my life ahead of me. This can’t be the end of my journey, it’s just the beginning and from there I start with figuring out what everything else is about. It’s exactly why my grandmother would want.
I challenge you to join me and do the same,