About two months ago I posted a blog post called “Independence from others emotionally”, and in short form I explained that I realized one needed to become happy with themselves, and realize they can’t relay on others to find happiness in life.
Well, maybe sometimes I should take my own advice.
…But then sometimes one cracks and falls back into old addictions/habits.
In my “Independence” post, I talked about my ex and how separating ourselves had been the best thing that occurred for us because I realized I had become so reliant on one person to find my happiness, which was making me miserable. He was my addiction. I craved him and his attention (I will be the first one to admit it, and let me tell you I am not proud of it). Through that it became a toxic relationship and after I ended it for good, I felt a release of all this pent of emotion that an addiction carries.
Disclaimer: My addiction to him wasn’t the only reason why we broke, we had other issues as well. Lying is NEVER acceptable. EVER. And you will get caught up in your own lies and you can’t deny it or say it’s just “accusations”. I’ll leave it at that. I am just saying this was my little part and my own self realization. I don’t need to meddle about other people’s problems.
Anyways, my problem was I slipped because a traumatic event occurred in my life, which when I headed back to Oregon, I connected with my ex and slipped back into my same pattern. I kept him present in my life and fell back on my addiction. I relapsed.
He numbed my pain from everything I was going through. It was a safe haven for me, something familiar. Although I did enjoy his presence, the trust issues I had acquired from my addiction previously came back, and since the traumatic event all the emotions were heighten times 100. Again, lying should have never occurred but since it happened before I was extremely paranoid and addicted, and foolish for thinking it wouldn’t happen again.
Recently, I have gotten into G-Eazy, a rapper from the Bay area and in one of his songs “Tumblr Girls“, he sings a line that describes my ex’s and I’s relationship perfectly. “You and I were made of glass, we would never last”, and I played with already shattered glass. I played with fire not expecting to get burned.
It took me until I had a major breakdown in front of one of the most trusted people in my life (who has never seen this side of me), to realize that I was even so hooked on. I completely forgot the feeling of freedom I had felt before when I made a clean-cut and was so occupied on numbing the pain that I succumbed to more hurt and more anxiety then already needed to be. I felt it was helping me heal and helping me move forward in my life when all it really did was push me farther away from moving forward. It kept me stuck in a place of insanity with constant outbreaks and breakdowns.
I got slapped in the face, hard. What the hell was I doing to myself.
….It didn’t help I was the only person who didn’t see what I was doing to myself, everyone else did. I just refused to listen.
We as humans fall back on what we know works best to numb the pain of a traumatic event even if it causes us more stress and anxiety to continue that addiction (and when I say addiction it could be anything from alcohol, drugs, sleeping, a person, video games.. anything). It can take anything to go back to what we know feels most comfortable, but we can’t relay on toxic things that harm our personal health to make us happy, especially a person. One needs to find outlets for themselves that helps them numb the pain that’s healthy. I have started to turn towards running and its been my new addiction I am proud of. Being in nature and numbing life in that way for a good hour has been the best thing I could have ever started.
I take this as my closure and my moving forward from the entire mess of a situation. People crack every time when it comes to addiction but it’s how you build yourself up again and become strong again that counts and it matters who you surround yourself with (to support you from moving away from that certain addiction of yours). With this reoccurrence, not only have I kept to a new and healthy addiction, I have turned to family and best friends in which I know support me and won’t allow me to slip. They are my building blocks for me to build myself stronger to evolve into a new person that’s self-reliant on herself to find happiness and not through someone else.
A quote for thought from a pinterest post:
“Being happy requires that you define your life in your own terms and then throw your whole heart into living your life to the fullest. In a way, happiness requires that you be perfectly selfish in order to develop yourself to a point where you can be unselfish for the rest of your life.”
or as in the picture at the beginning of the post says:
“Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket”